The NEW Normal

This is a serious one - I have warned you! :)

Heard a new phrase today that I thought was spoken with such wise and true words. A great family Phil and I have shared our lives with lost their 16 year old son and brother a little over one month ago. It truly was a devastating phone call for Phil to receive and we both wept deeply about it.

Understanding all too well some of the feelings the family must be having lately, I think the one thing I try hard to avoid is offering "advice". Somehow that's what people think you need, but really, you just need a listening ear who will hear your cries, comfort your anger in silence, and catch you when your knees are weak beneath you.

Today, the brother posted his struggles. Although many heart-felt comments poured in, one comment in particular just gave me chills. It was from the boys' mom and reads below:

"It's the grief process, it's not because we are not doing something right, it's going to hurt, it's going to make us sad, mad, and then you figure out your new normal. Are we there yet? NO! But we will get there. I love you."

I was so touched by these words of comfort from a mother to her son. I can only imagine the pain she too must also be suffering, but yet offered these words as a picture of strength and grace. One phrase jumped out at me...a phrase that's I have been trying to find the words for sometime now..."New Normal". I never thought about it that way, but it's so true! I recall many people telling me often that "one day things would get back to normal" that it would "get easier"...but I really don't think either of those statements are true. You never get your old normal back, and it never gets easier...you just learn how to better live with your NEW NORMAL.

My NEW NORMAL has taken some time to settle into, but like this mother above encourages her son, "we will get there".

Thank you to this family and I love you all deeply!

She's a little bit country & a little bit rock n roll

The first time Phil told me God was pressing on him to be a pastor I honestly thought he was playing a mean joke on me. I couldn't believe my wild and crazy husband would even want to don a pair of pressed khaki pants, much less be still for long enough to write a sermon - welp...I was right...8 years later, I don't think he has once worn khaki pants :) but oh, I was wrong...oh so wrong, about him being a pastor. My husband is a great shepherd to his sheep - a bunch of unruly adolescents walking through the world in worn out Toms - he is the perfect combination of fun and faith, serious and silly, he is exactly what God had in mind.

So imagine my surprise, when me, Gina "downtown" Brown (lol, no one has ever called me that, just like the sound of it) was selected to sit in the role of the oh-so-desolate "Pastor's Wife"! For many years before we had children, I was Phil's partner in ministry - his right hand, um..woman. Lock-ins, pizza, and games that involve duct tape soon became our Friday night entertainment. It was so fun, so awesome, and so enriching.

About 18 months ago, God truly blessed Phil with a position at New Hope Church. Honestly - it has been amazing! Our church is Texas-sized and even better, our church shares Jesus in a Texas-sized way. To know God and make Him known!

I was so excited last year when I received an email inviting me to the "Armed & Dangerous" Pastor's Wives Retreat ( http://leadingandlovingit.com/ ) in Nashville, Tennessee. I had no idea what to expect. I wondered if I would be the only one inked up (ok, ok...I have one tiny tattoo). I wondered if I would be the only one not sporting a lavender t-shirt with kittens on it and something about "All God's Creatures...". Not that there's anything wrong with lavender kitten shirts, it's just not me...Downtown Gina Brown. :)

Man, I was so relieved when we stepped into the most awesome hotel in Nashville (Union Station http://www.unionstationhotelnashville.com/ ) and I met some REAL pastor's wives face to face. Not only were they wearing cute clothes (not that it's important, but I like me some cute clothes) but they felt real to me. Not plastic at all, but very transparent and relative. Gotta give some props to the ladies who made this retreat happen - every detail was thought of!

The best part of it all was getting to connect with the other 7 pastor's wives of New Hope...those women are all amazing...and NONE of us are the stereotypical pastor's wives. We laughed, and cried, and laughed some more. Everyone one of them has something that makes them a blessing - stillness, grace, humor - I am so thankful to be grouped with this brood of wonderful women and can't wait to continue to grow with them.

The end. Amen, and aaaamen!

All aboard - The Houston Zoo

What a fun family day - our first trip to the Houston Zoo! Analie stayed in the stroller for all of about 15 minutes and Miss Priss insisted..."I walk". We all had a blast, but made it only 1/4 of the way through the zoo.

She really enjoyed the lions. I just happened to capture her making a lion roar...my fave pose of the day!

Then, I was coerced into the fish tunnel by a sweet little innocent princess...dun, dun, duhhhh - Ani had a blast, but I wanted to get out of there! In this picture it looks like I am having fun, but it's just an illusion - for Ani's sake. A 10 foot long, 3 foot diameter tube - with hot sweaty kids inside - no fresh air, and dangerous poisonous vicious fish just waiting to bust the glass and eat me or Analie at any minute...ok, well maybe not poisonous :) I felt like I was suffocating. She was holding up the whole line because she wouldn't move forward and we had just a little tantrum trying to get her out. LOL :)

Now for the meat here....I know, I know, I always have to tie all this together, but for real, from the most inner parts of me, these words and thoughts flow. I do not front or fake what you read in these pages - it's a 100% account from my heart AND soul, and anything less wouldn't be a true reflection of me.

So here it goes - most may think of going to the zoo for the first time just a perfect picture opportunity. Another check-off-the-list of things to do with your kid, another time of fun, but now on to the next. Not for me. I relish in moments like this and think of the time when I would dream about moments like this. After we indulged in our fat-free, wheat-bunned polish sausage hot dogs we sat down on a shady bench to enjoy our sugar-free, low-calorie dippin' dots (ok, so the previous wishful thinking about the food is a fabrication :) . As we were dripping in melted ice cream courtesy of Analie spoon feeding us, Phil said "this is a family moment I used to only just dream about." Wow, how he said exactly what I was thinking.

See, the irony of the matter is that as we were praying over our baby boy's hospital bed three-and-one-half years ago, we envied the zoo-goers from 8+ floors above, out the window of the tiny sterile dimly lit room. The monitors created almost a trans-like state as I gazed out the window and wondered what it would be like to venture out someday...as the family we'd always dreamed of having. From his hospital room turned alter, we talked about & fantasized about so much... the day Marshall would get better and we'd take him out to ride the train and see the animals was one of our topics. So the thought of even driving down the street where the zoo or hospital was in my sight was terrifying to me after we lost him. I could let alone see a street sign for "Texas Medical Center" much less think of crossing paths with a memory so painful. Praise God for healing because in December, on Christmas eve, I was able to make the trek back to Children's Memorial Hospital...and not only a drive-by, but we parked the car, unloaded all of our gracious donations from friends and family and made our ant-trail path back up to the 8th floor. And with heads held high, Phil and I felt a sense of relief that we were able to cross that barrier.

And all of that ties back into our visit with Ani as we wrapped up our first visit to the zoo with the customary choo-choo train ride around Hermann Park. It was a great ride, the breeze felt nice drying out my sweaty khaki shorts, and many children were having birthday parties in the park, Analie enjoyed waving to them all. Just as we rounded the corner to turn back to the train station, I caught an eyefull of the cream-stucco clad, clay tile roof hospital...I knew exactly where our room had been. And although silent tears streamed from behind my darkened faux-Dior shades, they were the most bittersweet tears I've ever tasted.

I love my children so very much. Please enjoy & love yours too. What precious gifts from God that breathe amongst us...