Wow, I have missed blogging, but have been spending time relishing in the glorious joy of our precious Analie. It's hard to believe that already one month has flown by - she was one month old on Friday! We've had such a good time, of course, yes, there is the typical newborn stress, and me being the over-anxious anti-chaotic person that I am - I have managed to squeak through the eye of the needle without having a nervous breakdown. LOL In all reality though, I feel so blessed. I feel so "alive" again - it's daunting to realize that I have been in a fog for the last 22 months - I've been veiled. Today I truly grasped what it means to be joyous again. Even though the anticipated 9 months before Analie's arrival were exciting, I still had a depression lingering over me wondering if history would repeat itself - praise God it hasn't. And really, I mean PRAISE GOD for what He has given me - for the ability for me to have joy again - I can exhale. Not that my pain is gone, believe me, it lingers, especially when little miss gives me one of those "Marshall" looks (they look so much alike) - but, it's almost as though....I don't know...I can't describe it....just feels good...great...blissful...I feel like it's okay to be happy again. Sobbing as I say that with mixed tears. How can someone hurt so bad, yet feel so alive and flourish in the richness of joy? One of The Creator's mysteries, I guess. So today I will just soak up this happiness, I will enjoy this gift - not just the gift of Analie and the sanity she has brought us, but the gift that I know there is healing, there is happiness, there is HOPE!

Thankful

As you can well imagine the excitement of Analie arriving in 3 days has really set in. Everywhere we look, Phil and I dream of how life will be with her, and how we have a chance again to see the fruition of our joy made complete in our child. Of course, around this time last week, some anxiety started to set in. Reality of recalling the birth of Marshall - joyous, zealous, exuberant - and then, tragedy... what's to come when you harbor such pain?
Really, throughout the pregnancy in whole, I think I have done pretty dang good holding it together. I mean, I see how someone could really drive themselves crazy worrying about all the things that "could" be. But, you never forget the scar that's on your heart.
Much to my enlightenment I opened a new book I received from my mother-in-law and read the most soul settling passage - I think it was meant for me. I haven't even made it past this page in the book because I keep returning to it - as a reminder and encouragement.
The excerpt from "Hugs for New Moms" by Stephanie Howard reads:

I'll bless you and multiply your family, keeping My covenant of love with you.
Don't let anxiety steal your joy; rather, tell Me about your worries and needs and thank Me in advance.
As you pray, you'll find that My incomparable peace overshadows all of your problems and insecurities.
Always be content with what you have, knowing that I'll never leave you or abandon you.
I'll supply everything you need, according to My endless riches in glory.
Faithfully providing, Your Prince of Peace
Deut 7:12-13; John 16:33; Phil 4:6-7; Hebrews 13:5; Phil 4:19

When I read this, tears of release flooded my face. It was exactly what the Lord needed to tell me. "My incomparable peace" - how true to me this is.

Oh, My God - let me know this joy You promise. Let Your glory be revealed through restoration. And, Lord, let me never cease to praise You for the blessings You will pour out.

I thought she meant "scheduled" delivery?!?

Well - another weekly visit down. Glad to say everything is normal and going well. I started realizing just how close we are to having Analie in our arms today. Next week, the doctor is going to put me on the monitor (you know, the ones they strap on your belly). This is normal procedure - she will be checking the baby's heart rate, fluid level, any contractions, dilation, etc., etc. Based on those readings, she might actually decide to do the C-Section before the 16th! Here, all this time, I've been planning and list-making and juggling a perfectly planned calendar up to September 16th, and now, I am realizing she could come earlier?! I guess in my mind I was just thinking she would pop out like a perfectly roasted turkey on September 16th - and she still may - but there is the ever lingering possibility I will meet my angel next week! I am laughing at myself thinking of how crazy it must sound to create a "countdown" schedule of things to do before Analie is born. I need structure people - lol - lists make the world go round! I am so very excited - yet, reserved with anticipation.

Can I just brag for a moment - bear with me - Phil is amazing! He has gone into "daddy" mode the past few weeks. Every night he is doing something productive - mowing the grass, washing the dishes, folding the clothes, running my bath, picking out a perfectly matched outfit to sport on the town (ok, that was a little exaggeration! - lol). Phil has even resorted to sleeping on an air mattress on the floor in our room - he didn't want to sleep in the guest bed in case I needed him (aww). But really, I am truly so thankful to share my life with him. He is the love of my life - I don't know where I would be without him, without his support, and without his love. Philip Brown - thank God for who he has made you to be. I love you so much. Plus, you make pretty kids!

Healthy whopper girl

Well today was a check-up I have been looking forward to. We were able to have our last ultrasound and this girl is growing and doing well.
Ok, brack yourself....she's her daddy's child.....(drum roll please) Analie already weighs 7 lbs 6 oz! With 3 weeks still to go, she will make her debut into the world at approximately 8 lbs 14 oz!
I was so satisfied to find out that she's exactly in the position I thought - body on the right and legs and arms extending to my left side. She is still really far down (they've been saying this since the beginning, probably the source of my back pain) and has chubby cheeks. We see some resemblence to Marshall, but we'll just wait until she comes out to know for sure.
I would post the ultrasound pics, but the ones we received today aren't that great. I could barely make them out and I'm the mother for cryin' out loud - so, I doubt anyone else will know what they are looking at.

T minus 4 weeks!

Squirmy worm in my belly - she's getting big! It cracks me up every time I arise from my desk chair; that for a moment or two I am caught off guard by the extra baggage I am carrying. I steady myself for a second, look around to see if anyone is watching, then "gracefully" start to take my wobbly steps. Swaying back and forth like the friggin' titanic, I reach my destination, then "ahh" some relief to sit again! The hallway at my office has never seemed so daunting, and I am sure everyone of my co-workers is getting annoyed by the sliding gritty sound of my shoes waltzing through the office. But this is great!
I think I am going to stop reading all of the articles in the baby magazines. Considering my heightened level of paranoia, I don't think it's wise for me to be diving into articles that are meant to educate but leave a sense of fear in you. From diapering to vaccinations, every article has posted the "highly unlikely, but possible" scenarios leaving me gripping my seat at the turn of every page. What if I don't do the umbilical cord right (never had to with Marshall, the hospital took care of it), what if I don't attach the car seat correctly with the LATCH system, and then there's the "encouraging" articles about breastfeeding and every experts opinion about what's best for MY child.....ugh, I am gonna do just fine. Sometimes I even wonder if these "experts" even have children of their own. Once I received a book from a friend dealing with grief and the loss of a child, only come to find out the author had NEVER experienced it, and didn't even have children - I didn't read the book. No thanks, I don't need any unsolicited advice from these so-called "experts".
In the mean time, I will commit to finishing "projects" around the house before this little princess arrives. Painting the front door (Phil), installing the peep hole (Phil), cleaning the baseboards (umm...Phil?) lol

feeling the heat.

well maybe it's the heat and maybe it's just this time in the pregnancy, but i have been so exhausted lately. last week, i guess i did too much. i was down with allergies/cold and my body just hurt everywhere. after arriving at work on Friday - i made the decision that i just really needed to go home and rest. It killed me to do that - not only am I trying to save my personal days for my maternity leave, but also, I had already driven the 35 minutes to Houston. Popping claritin didn't seem to give much relief, so all day Friday i rested and did not move off the couch - it was what i needed. my back didn't hurt, no round ligament pain, and my nose seemed to dry up by Saturday morning. i have a really hard time sitting still - so after feeling like i wasted the day away on Friday, i thought to myself on Saturday "hmm, i think i am ready to do more today!". Wrong answer - after the day of going to do a DNow in Magnolia in the morning (I had previously committed to the whole weekend, but crashed and burned on Friday), then driving back to Crosby, then sorting through the plethora of gifts for Analie - I was exhausted and the back pain returned. Not to mention - I was lonely - I missed Phil. So Winnie and I retired to the couch again late Saturday evening and ALL day long on Sunday. When Phil got home, he joined us - guess everybody deserves a lazy weekend sometimes!

It's raining, it's pouring

This past weekend our friends and family held a baby shower for analie. it was so special - you can not even begin to imagine the sea of clothing this girl received. i left the shower that day feeling so overwhelmed with thanksgiving for the people who make us feel special. not just for brining gifts, but for showing up, for giving us a smile, a hug, and showing us they love us. truely, truely, we are blessed to have such wonderful friends and family! i sound like a sappy pregnant lady, but really, my heart melts when i think about the graditute i have for all of these special people in our lives - i hope you all know who you are. enjoy the photos!