Am I sounding crazy?

Sometimes I wonder what you all must think of my posts. Is it seen really in the way I mean it to read? I wonder what people think when they ask me questions like, "is this your first pregnancy?" or "how old is your son" and I have to answer with a soft but realistic response. I don't know how it feels to be on the other side. I really don't mind when I get to talk about Marshall - I love it actually. I think sometimes people just avoid even mentioning his name, scared that it will send me into a wailing fit of rage, but that is so far from how I preceive it. When I get to talk about my little boy, I light up inside. So many people never got to meet him, and I love sharing about the joy he brought and still brings me. Marshall - I love you precious.

It's so not right...

We had a great check-up last Thursday. I talked in detail with my doctor about how Analie will be cared for when she's in the nursery. Things will be good - my doctor is looking out for us. Analie will basically have the NICU staff watching over her, but she will be in the regular nursery. Good news for a mom who never wants to see a NICU again!

My doc also set the date - our princess is scheduled to arrive on September 16, 2009 at 9am. I can hardly bear the anticipation.

People - I'm struggling lately. Some kind of mix between pregnancy hormones, sorrow and joy, past and future, and all that's in between. I feel like my mind is churning constantly - I lose it sometimes and just have to break down. I'm not going crazy again, nor depression, I just feel...what's the word...exhausted. Physically, um, somewhat, but more than that, my mind is tired, my heart is heavy, my eyes are sore from fighting tears and my emotions weary from quenching fears. What is this season? I don't feel like me.

A stroke of paranoia has invaded my excitement. I guess the anticipation of Analie coming, also means dealing with so much that has settled. Dust is being kicked up from the low low places - places that you don't want to go. Who would think that choosing a new pediatrician would be a chance to conquer? Most people just get to pick and it's done. Who in the world even thinks about getting life insurance for your infant child because you fear what could be? No one does that.

It's not right - this is so not right.

Done - before things come out that I would regret writing.

Exhale and breathe

Well today is a great day - we had a fetal eco today for Analie and everything checked out. The nurse kept saying "beautiful, beautiful" as she probed each centimeter of Analie's heart. I did ask why we didn't see Marshall's heart defect (aka Double Outlet Left Ventricle). The nurse was great - she went back to Marshall's file and pulled his heart scan to compare with Analie's. The test for Marshall was performed at 15 weeks, which is normal, and since his heart was so small at that time, nothing showed up as abnormal, therefore, there was no need to do more testing. For Analie, we had the test at 18 weeks and again today, at 24 weeks with just the heart scan. Our nurse also searched for abnormalities she would see if there was a double outlet, and all of these came back normal. Thank you for Lord for these gifted nurses and doctors who have been helping us - bless them please!

So...I can breathe a little easier now. Surely, as a mother, I will worry about her always. But this anxiety is not some kind of "normal" worry, like she'll fall down or bust her teeth out. No, this concern comes from a place of instability and true reality of knowing we are not untouchable. That the unimaginable and unthinkable can happen. It's only my trust and faith that can bring me through this - Lord, you are gonna do it.

So thank you for your prayers and encouragement and please continue to pray that everything will go great, as I am not doubting it will.

Thankful

So, Praise God! Yesterday I had a regular check-up with the doctor and things are going well. Usually a mom would just be content with this news, but for me, I crave hearing her heartbeat on the monitor. I hang on every word the doctor says, just to make sure I don't miss anything. When Analie moves and kicks me in the middle of the night, I don't wake up frustrated that I can't sleep, but rather I relish in the moment that God has given me a life inside me - a precious priceless gift. Oh - my Lord, I will never be able to express my thanks to you for Analie. Father God, when I have cursed you for my pain, you have still reigned and you always will - Lord, you know I still hurt, but praise you - thank you - for a bit of restoration.

The beginning of the PINK!

I have a wonderful friend who loaded me down Friday night with tons of clothes (really cute ones!) and shoes for Analie. What a blessing! I don't think we will have to buy any 0-3 month clothing for this girl. Thank you Brandi!


The swarm of pink clothing has taken over her closet, but this also meant packing up Marshall's things either for donation or keepsake. Without much detail - this was so hard. Almost a taste of living through hell again. What are you supposed to do with these things? How do you know if you'll ever want to look at them again? How is a funeral book going to help me??? Hard questions - so for the time being, it's all in storage.

Mother's Day was beautiful and bittersweet. Of course, I wanted it to be a day to celebrate my mother, step-mother, mother-in-law and grandmother - and tried to keep my focus on that - rather than another Mother's Day without Marshall.

This weekend was good, but tough. I hope these kinds of days are few and far between, but you never know when reality is going to creep up on you. You never know when this pain will rear it's ugly head...and you either choose to lock it away and temporarily put off the inevitable - or you stare it right in the face, have a broken heart, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself up and go forward.

Going forward is good. Try not to stall or regress - you're still moving even if it's only one step at a time...

To my darlings

I dream of you, precious, and the lifetime we'll share. How I'll bring you home wrapped up, with such gentle care. How I'll wash your tiny hands, and clean your tiny nose, and kiss you and love you from your head to your toes. I dream of the memories that we'll get to make, taking you to the park and to the zoo to see the snakes. I dream of the moments you'll look at me with love, with innocence in your eyes, and wrap me in your hugs. How I'll hold you so tight, and never let go, how I'll whisper into your ear the things you need to know. Like I love you, I love you, my sweet darling babe, I'll always be here, no need to be afraid. When you have nightmares or fall on your knee, I imagine the kind of mommy I hope I will be. To cuddle and comfort, to tell you it's okay, then to look back together and laugh the rest of the day. I think of the moments you'll snuggle daddy and me, when you'll hold both our hands and go skipping with glee. When I think of you precious, I thank God for love, for grace, and forgiveness, and blessings from above.

IT'S A GIRL!

Yesterday we found out we will be welcoming a precious baby girl, Analie Marie Brown. Analie, pronouced (Ahh - na - lee) means "the Lord has favored me." We are both really in love with her already and my mind has been daydreaming for at least 24 hours now. I couldn't even sleep last night - I was anticipating all of the things I've have been dreaming about. I hope this subsides some, Lord knows I need some rest. Meanwhile, the initial heart ultrasounds at this point have been good. Our ultrasound lady (sorry, don't know the proper term) was so helpful, and she was certified in baby heart ultrasound - so it was perfect. A doing of God I am sure! Reyna was her name, and once she found out about Marshall, she really tried to look for everything to give us some peace of mind. It helped. We will still have the fetal eco on June 4th - Analie's heart will be larger then, and it will be much easier to see everything. Please continue to pray that she is healthy and whole.

oh yeah PICS COMING SOON!