It ain't about the turkey

After reading all of the “thankful” posts each day on Facebook, I decided I would refrain from being held to updating my status daily with my “thankful’s” and rather compile a BIG list here.  It’s so hard to assemble any words that could touch a description from my heart and soul.  Of course, there are lots of things I am thankful for – the obvious and some random oddities as well, but I have chosen the ones at the forefront of my mind this Thanksgiving.  Whatever you celebrate at Thanksgiving…turkey, football, family, Black Friday…may you take a moment to reflect within yourself and give a true moment of thanks. 

My Top 10 “Thankfuls”

·         Father, Son, & Holy Spirit – for filling my void, forgiveness, and much more

·         Philip – for his love, humor, and wit.  For his encouragement and support.  For the way he is an amazing daddy to our children.  For his intelligence and creativity.  It’s amazing how two people collide at the hand of God….and he’s pretty cute too. J

·         My Children – without a shadow of a doubt.  Indescribable love. (insert bawling mom)

·         My parents – I am so fortunate to have strong shoulders to stand on.  For all they have done, still do, and will always be.

·         My family – a LONG list, but truly, I don’t know what I’d do without any of them. 

·         My country – how amazing is it to wake up each day and be a proud American?  The trust and dignity in having FREEDOM!  Grateful for all who serve for that freedom!

·         My job – at times stressful and grueling, but all in all I love it!  I could not ask for better bosses.  It’s the most rewarding thing to wake up each day and get to do what you love.  The 9 year old dreamer in me knew I could do it!

·         My church – tickled pink with where God has us right now.  I love just being a part of New Hope, even if my husband didn’t work there, I would still love it!

·         My iPhone – of which I may never keep in touch with the world, emails, texts, phone calls, and sleepless Pinterest nights J (if you have no idea what Pinterest is, google it…warning…it’s addicting!)

·         Health – for me and my family

The Aftermath Series - part deux

So, been thinking a lot about what content to put out for this part of the series.  I think we have learned some invaluable lessons through this part (well, through all of it really) but in particular I think this one will shape us forever.  It's money.  The green stuff.  Cold hard cash.  Dinero.

Part 2 - The GREAT Depression

You will probably read about this too in your handy depression handout the doctor/counselor gives you, but again, you have no clue the magnitude of what's happening until you are standing waist deep in a pit of debt.  I can recall sitting in the Ronald McDonald House parent room logging onto the computer to pay my bills from the hospital - that was the beginning.  I sat down in the chair and realized I hadn't paid any bills in two weeks because I had been so overwhelmed by what was happening with my son.  There began the late fees of many to come.  Once Marshall came home and subsequently went Home, the medical bills and the like began to roll in.  I once read a statement that my insurance company paid over $150K in hospital bills.  WOW.  To back up some, Phil had began his business about a year prior to Marshall coming into the world - it was going well - and then... We both stayed away from work for about 2 months, and while we had some money trickling in from our jobs, it was really generous donations from loved ones and strangers that kept us afloat.  Once I went back to work, I would sit at my desk and cry silent tears as I gazed out of the window.  No one knew.  I was very inverted.  All the while, my husband was home, trying to run his business, but little did I realize he too was in a great fog.  Add a toxic mix of depression and countless hours alone in a house where you were supposed to be caring for your son, and you get a dangerous mix of apathetic withdrawal.  The business started to tank, bills continued to be paid late, and medical bills were rolling in.  We began living off of a credit card to keep us going.  We traded in my one year old beloved new SUV for a less expensive car, although we had to roll it all over.  It wasn't ever my wish to trade in the car - we had to.  I lost my son in that car - too many bad things happened.  I couldn't drive a 45 minute commute everyday knowing what had happened there and looking in the rear view mirror for a mirage of the non-existent car seat.  So it was gone.

For about a 3 year period after our loss, we busted our tails to make up for the financial mess we had made.  Shocker for me - I did not buy one single new outfit or shoes for 6 months straight!  People - that's revolutionary!  You know what's amazing about being in a storm...eventually the eye of the storm emerges and for a moment you feel the calmness and realize it's temporary.  The eye of our storm came one day when a perfect stranger left an envelope of $800 in cash on our doorstep with a note that said "We are so sorry for your loss, please use this however you like.  And don't even think of paying us back."  It was the exact amount we needed to purchase our son's headstone.  It was a God-send, a miracle.  Thank you God for sending angels dressed as people to help us!!!  By the way, those strangers were revealed to us and are now amazing friends.

I tell you all of this not to get your sympathy or donations (please, don't send me money!) - I tell you this because it's something that was a side effect of our grief that we had no idea about.  It's the truth about what really happens when you are in a whirlwind apathetic downward spiral.  We could not see the forest for the trees, and unfortunately still today clean up the financial baggage we dragged with us through our healing process.  So now we know where every measly cent of our money goes.  It's tracked like an FBI fugitive.  Our communication about money is crystal clear and we have a plan of attack.  We have a budget spreadsheet that even Wall Street would be jealous of.  Is it all gone, no.  Are we perfect financial planners, no.  The difference now is awareness and willingness to make it work.  We work too hard for our money to see it blow away in the wind to another creditor.  God has blessed us immensely with rewards for our discipline, and it's our prayer to pass these lessons to our children so they will not have to have that stress on them....ever. 

The Aftermath Series

Ever since I started blogging I have contemplated how much and how far I should share the gruesome details of my travels with depression in the aftermath of losing my son.  I have come to the conclusion that divulging these things pent up inside are very therapeutic for me.  Still, nearly 4 years later, I have decided to post a candid image of what parts of my journey looked like.  I hope that it will help others, either those traveling through it or helping someone else through it, and I hope that ultimately it glorifies God for the strength He gives me daily.

This series may be hard for me - a lot of backspacing and probably some tears, but ultimately I know that I am strong enough to write it and I know that this type of exertion always helps heal me.  It will be very exposing for me, however, I know there are some key notes that we (me, my husband, and family) missed.  By no means is this a wish-I-couldv'e or finger pointing expose, I truly believe that every circumstance we walk through is planned and purposed.  I am very thankful and blessed for the team of people who love and support me (my husband, family, and true friends).  So, maybe today, it's planned and purposed for you to be reading this - for some reason you were brought here and may you take away only what God has intended for you.

"I can be changed by what happens to me.  But I REFUSE to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Part 1 - Poundage

Why couldn't I have been the other 90% of the depressed population that loses weight when they are depressed?  I would have taken the twiggy shaped frame any day over the almost 30+ pounds I gained over 1 year after my loss.  I was the other 10% that liked to soothe my hurt with yummy gooey over-sized portions of food.  Losing your child 1 month after giving birth doesn't help the situation.  So here I was, already coming into the game with extra "baby" weight, a huge scar from a gnarly c-section, and then wham!  Here comes my back-stabbing best friend D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Hate is a strong word, but truly, I HATE depression.  You don't even realize what is going on.  It's like you are living with a veil on of what your world is, but in reality you can't even see two steps in front of you.  I had no clue that I was gaining so much weight.  I am not a small girl by any means, but I do have a definition of healthy, and it all flew out of the window with two words "he's gone".  I think part of connecting with people and trying to be normal was eating socially with people.  Family and friends would invite us over for dinner to get us out of the house in hopes to make us feel better, and they would all cook wonderful, tasty meals, never realizing that was our drug of choice.  We would go to lavish, expensive (more on this in Part 2), gorging dinners and not think a thing of it.  Then we'd go home, sit on our couch, watch TV and eat some more.  We were both drowning in gluttony masquerading as happiness.  Below is an embarrassing photo of me approximately 1 year after our loss - this is awful.

I guess you and your loved ones will read about this side effect on any depression pamphlet, but no one ever said a word.  Probably their love for us and fear of hurting us kept them tight lipped, and more so, we probably wouldn't have listened. 
I knew that I was starting to heal once I looked in the mirror and saw the poundage for what it really was - medicine for the depressed.  Not long after this photo was taken, I found out I was pregnant, and that made me do a 180.  Not ONE SINGLE donut or caffeine did I intake for 9 months.  I was very strict and very concerned with giving my body only the best for my baby.  After Analie was born, I wanted to be a healthy example for her...not the nasty depressed example in the photo.  I could already see a difference by the time she was about 3 months old. 

The entire time I nursed her, no caffeine, no fried foods, limited sugars, etc.  Luckily, most of these habits have stuck with me and I finally - almost 4 years later - have been able to drop the depression pounds I gained, and extra, and I intend to keep going.  I don't have a goal weight in mind, just a good balanced life.  A healthy Gina = a healthy mom = a healthy wife = a healthy life. 

Bahama Mamas love Texas

After returning from a week long sabbatical in the beautiful Bahamas, I have come to the conclusion I MUST be part Bahamian. I was thinking really hard about this – sitting on the beach, check; eating yummy food, check; dancing randomly to steel drums, check; burning to a crisp, check; running up and down the shoreline in slow motion wearing a g-string bikini…umm, not quite. Phil and I had the best time escaping reality and celebrating our 10 years of marriage. I was really bummed when I returned home because no one was picking up the towels I kept leaving on the floor, and when I came to bed at night, there was no elephant folded from freshly washed white towels or chocolates on my pillow. As much as I loved the Bahamas, I must say, I am dang proud to be a Texan. You meet so many interesting people when traveling, and so many international people. It was very refreshing, yet, made me love my yellow rose state even more…and here are the top 5 reasons why.

1. Salsa – the oh-so-good staple of the Lone Star State is not as widely available abroad. One morning I ordered an omelet and asked for a side of salsa. The waiter curiously looked at me with crooked eyebrows…salsa??? “You mean, Tabasco?” he asked. So here I went into a novel long epilogue describing salsa to this man. “Chopped tomatoes, cilantro, peppers, onions, and it’s all blended up together? You know, you eat it with chips?” I said this with an anxious response, fearing he was not going to have any. He looked at me again like a curious puppy, and then dashed away to the kitchen – I have a clear picture in my mind of what that conversation looked like with the chef, lol – and surely, my sweet Philippino waiter came to the rescue. He brought the bowl of deliciousness to my table and asked “is this what you call salsa?” YES! I proclaimed, and so my anxiety was relieved and this man was schooled on salsa.

2. Country Music – walking through the airport in Texas, sounds of homestyle fiddle playing fill the air. You don’t really notice it until it’s gone. About 3 days into our vacation, I realized I hadn’t heard any country music since leaving home. Don’t get me wrong, I love steel drums and island music, but I did miss my twangy ballads.

3. Manners – you know you’re not in Texas anymore Toto when men stop opening doors and people stop saying thank you. And can someone please teach a class in elevator etiquette? Phil and I must have seemed like softened fair flowers among hardened thistles.

4. Family – I’m not talking about “blood” family, rather the Tejas family. You can spot a person from Texas miles away, even in a faraway land, and instantly you are connected. You may not have anything in common, may speak two different languages, but as soon as you know each other is from Texas…you’re family. There was another couple on our cruise that was also from Texas. Oddly enough, our two families were the only ones in a room of about 200 people to get pointed out in the comedy show. Large, loud, and Texas proud!

5. Boots – Is it stereotypical to say that everyone in Texas wears boots? Yeah, probably, but it has so much truth to it. No one can appreciate a pair of hand-stitched ostrich leather boots with hand tooling like a Texan. Just the smell of broken in leather makes me feel at home. When you’re in Texas, people wear boots year ‘round. With shorts, pants, skirts, and sweaters, boots are just as common here as the quintessential flip-flop. From gangstas to rockers, every Texan needs a good trusty pair of Tony Llamas or Old Gringos.

T-E-N plus forever!

Super excited my baby sister will be getting married soon! As soon as she was engaged, she asked me to be her Matron of Honor or "MOH" as I like to call it. I accepted, of course, and today began the first of my very important duties - dress shopping! I walked into the boutique and found myself in awe - I don't remember dress shopping or wedding planning being this intense 10 years ago. Yes, that's right, I said 10 - more on this topic later.

I must sound like an old timey lady "back in my day" kinda of thing, but really, I was shocked at how much dresses cost now - and venues, and releasing live butterflies out of boxes. Poor little things, couped up in that box all day, gasping for air, until the preacher-man pronounces husband and wife - I am calling PETA! Never mind the butterflies for now. So, as I was saying about the dresses - we go into the shop, our personal bridal consultant greets us and whisks my sister away into a private dressing room with her own stage area - super fancy! I was already vowing to be the best MOH on earth - I brought snacks, water, and tons of toys to entertain my little princess. After about the 3rd dress - she came out - we all knew it was THE one. She looks amazing.

All this wedding talk has got me reminiscing about my wedding - ahhhh August 11, 2001 - to my dream man. Our wedding was pretty and nice, and it wasn't a $35K wedding, but that doesn't matter. Actually, if we did it again, it would be smaller and very personal. We are about to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary - we are so excited. To some, it may not seem like long, but with a divorce rate in America of +/- 50% - we are feeling pretty dang blessed. I know there were some nay-sayers: we're too young, we're too poor, we're too not what their perfect idea of marriage was - but, BOOYAH, here we are, 10 years later, and more in love than ever. We have learned some hard lessons, both of us are pretty hard-headed, and we have dragged each other through the pits of depression, but through it all - at the end of the day - I can truly not imagine my life without Phil. I look forward to being an old gray-haired wrinkled (unless I get Botox...ummm, I think not for now) woman alongside him...rocking on our porch, sipping iced tea. I love you Phil!

Galveston, oh, Galveston (sing it like Glen Campbell)

My family and I made a trek down to Galveston last weekend to enjoy a beautiful day sea side. We had a great time - we built sand castles, jumped in the waves, and munched on snacks coupled with the grit of sand in our teeth. I hadn't really been to the city since before hurricane Ike. Things have really changed there. The pace is slower - and not in a good way - almost morbid, the energy in the air that used to thrive in Galveston, seems no more - where has it's spirit gone?

After we packed up our snacks and sand shovels we drove around the city for a while - Phil and I gasped and then paused in silence, as if almost to pay our respects to the city that has fallen forgotten. I recall going to Galveston as a child as a vacation spot - hip and happening, lots of business. I remember crowning over the causeway and cruising down Broadway and just being in awe of the gingerbread Victorians and quaint bungalows. Actually, I think that was my first glimpse of real architecture - what 8 year old do you know that recalls every detail of touring Bishop's Palace? But now, it seems so empty.

As a designer, I look at architecture like that and weep inside. How could such treasures of hand-made history be left to rot and decay among the salty air of the city? How could such amazing spaces and memories be...alone? It's just not right.

I imagine gilded ladies all in their fine imported silks and gentlemen with their handlebar mustaches waltzing hand-in-hand shop-by-shop up and down the strand, and yet today, the only reminder of that kind of joy is the rusty historical marker placed on the facade of a shoebox building. (sigh)

It makes me so sad Texas! Where's the love? Let's stop investing in these spec-home stick framed glorified shacks and put our money back into preserving the backbone on which our roots were built. Our family even has records of my great-grandparents coming into port to America through Galveston - so cool! Let's show the love for the man who climbed up on scaffolding 10 stories in the air without a harness to lay a piece of hand-cut stone, just so he could go home and put a decent meal on the table for his family and in return provide a little bit of innocence back to us.

So I am prayin' hard - Brown Design Studio Galveston? New Hope Church Galveston Campus? or just some wishful thinking?! I would love to be an instrument of helping to breathe life into a city so deserving. Please send your donations to Gina Brown Restores Galveston Fund... lol... no, no, there's no fund....YET!

The NEW Normal

This is a serious one - I have warned you! :)

Heard a new phrase today that I thought was spoken with such wise and true words. A great family Phil and I have shared our lives with lost their 16 year old son and brother a little over one month ago. It truly was a devastating phone call for Phil to receive and we both wept deeply about it.

Understanding all too well some of the feelings the family must be having lately, I think the one thing I try hard to avoid is offering "advice". Somehow that's what people think you need, but really, you just need a listening ear who will hear your cries, comfort your anger in silence, and catch you when your knees are weak beneath you.

Today, the brother posted his struggles. Although many heart-felt comments poured in, one comment in particular just gave me chills. It was from the boys' mom and reads below:

"It's the grief process, it's not because we are not doing something right, it's going to hurt, it's going to make us sad, mad, and then you figure out your new normal. Are we there yet? NO! But we will get there. I love you."

I was so touched by these words of comfort from a mother to her son. I can only imagine the pain she too must also be suffering, but yet offered these words as a picture of strength and grace. One phrase jumped out at me...a phrase that's I have been trying to find the words for sometime now..."New Normal". I never thought about it that way, but it's so true! I recall many people telling me often that "one day things would get back to normal" that it would "get easier"...but I really don't think either of those statements are true. You never get your old normal back, and it never gets easier...you just learn how to better live with your NEW NORMAL.

My NEW NORMAL has taken some time to settle into, but like this mother above encourages her son, "we will get there".

Thank you to this family and I love you all deeply!