I had the weirdest experience yesterday evening - I was at church, had just scurried in after dropping off Ani in the nursery, I was frantically situating myself. In my mind, I was mentally checking off tasks of the day I had accomplished. I was hearing the worship songs, but that was all. I was sort of like a curious kitten....oh sparkly lights there, oooohhh like her shoes, and nice belt too, I wonder how that sheetrock detail returns to the other side, da dee da....
We were starting into the 2nd or 3rd song (see, I was so distracted I don't even know!) and it hit me like a ton a bricks! The opening chords of the guitar struck a chord in me. I was immediately returned to the spot of desolation I had hung around in for so many months after Marshall died. I would waltz through a church service, dangerously angry at God and at the same time, desperately wanting him to fix me. Frankly, I hated what he allowed to happen to me, and honestly, I still do. My voice was paralyzed for months after the trauma. Not only did I not feel like singing any songs, I also physically couldn't. I was very focused on the words, I wanted to mean what I was singing and feel it, I wanted to know it was truth....and at that time in my life, I couldn't do either. Literally the words would just not come out of my mouth - maybe it was physical, or maybe I didn't want them to.
Anyway, to bring it back to yesterday, back in that time in my life, I would hear these songs, concentrate on every word - I knew the songs, just couldn't sing them. There was one in particular that used to get on my nerves, along with "How Great is Our God", it was "The More I Seek You". I couldn't understand how these lyrics were possible, and surely they weren't written by anyone who had suffered like this. Even more, how could these worship leaders stand up there and sing that, did they really feel that way or were they just doing their job? Well, guess what song Ben Donnelly started playing yesterday...."The More I Seek You"! BUT THIS TIME IT WAS DIFFERENT!
I heard the opening chords and I literally felt the weight of 50 elephants rolling off my shoulders. I was actually excited to hear the song, because this time, I wanted to sing. And if you know me well at all, I CANNOT SING! But I belted that song out like I was Christina freaking Auguilera! I know the two women next to me where probably feeling sorry for me, "oh no, that poor girl thinks she sings well" - no, ladies, I know I don't, but I didn't care.
As I am typing this, I think to myself how silly this all sounds. It's just a song, right? Yes, it's a song, but for me it's a symbolism of the recovery and progress we continue to make...daily. My sister asked me a very intriguing question yesterday "do you still hurt for Marshall as bad as you did before?" YES! Most definitely. I always will. I still have those moments, those days, those endless sleepless nights where my mind is consumed by hurt and questions. I think I will have those until the day I die. What could be more of an honor to my son than to continue living, what good would it be if I stopped living, not in a breathing sense, but a functioning sense? Two lives lost is too much.
The song opened a door for me that has long been shut. Just one more step in a lifelong journey of healing.
This is the original version, ours from New Hope will be posted later in the week. Visit http://www.newhopechurch.tv/
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