Am I sounding crazy?

Sometimes I wonder what you all must think of my posts. Is it seen really in the way I mean it to read? I wonder what people think when they ask me questions like, "is this your first pregnancy?" or "how old is your son" and I have to answer with a soft but realistic response. I don't know how it feels to be on the other side. I really don't mind when I get to talk about Marshall - I love it actually. I think sometimes people just avoid even mentioning his name, scared that it will send me into a wailing fit of rage, but that is so far from how I preceive it. When I get to talk about my little boy, I light up inside. So many people never got to meet him, and I love sharing about the joy he brought and still brings me. Marshall - I love you precious.

It's so not right...

We had a great check-up last Thursday. I talked in detail with my doctor about how Analie will be cared for when she's in the nursery. Things will be good - my doctor is looking out for us. Analie will basically have the NICU staff watching over her, but she will be in the regular nursery. Good news for a mom who never wants to see a NICU again!

My doc also set the date - our princess is scheduled to arrive on September 16, 2009 at 9am. I can hardly bear the anticipation.

People - I'm struggling lately. Some kind of mix between pregnancy hormones, sorrow and joy, past and future, and all that's in between. I feel like my mind is churning constantly - I lose it sometimes and just have to break down. I'm not going crazy again, nor depression, I just feel...what's the word...exhausted. Physically, um, somewhat, but more than that, my mind is tired, my heart is heavy, my eyes are sore from fighting tears and my emotions weary from quenching fears. What is this season? I don't feel like me.

A stroke of paranoia has invaded my excitement. I guess the anticipation of Analie coming, also means dealing with so much that has settled. Dust is being kicked up from the low low places - places that you don't want to go. Who would think that choosing a new pediatrician would be a chance to conquer? Most people just get to pick and it's done. Who in the world even thinks about getting life insurance for your infant child because you fear what could be? No one does that.

It's not right - this is so not right.

Done - before things come out that I would regret writing.

Exhale and breathe

Well today is a great day - we had a fetal eco today for Analie and everything checked out. The nurse kept saying "beautiful, beautiful" as she probed each centimeter of Analie's heart. I did ask why we didn't see Marshall's heart defect (aka Double Outlet Left Ventricle). The nurse was great - she went back to Marshall's file and pulled his heart scan to compare with Analie's. The test for Marshall was performed at 15 weeks, which is normal, and since his heart was so small at that time, nothing showed up as abnormal, therefore, there was no need to do more testing. For Analie, we had the test at 18 weeks and again today, at 24 weeks with just the heart scan. Our nurse also searched for abnormalities she would see if there was a double outlet, and all of these came back normal. Thank you for Lord for these gifted nurses and doctors who have been helping us - bless them please!

So...I can breathe a little easier now. Surely, as a mother, I will worry about her always. But this anxiety is not some kind of "normal" worry, like she'll fall down or bust her teeth out. No, this concern comes from a place of instability and true reality of knowing we are not untouchable. That the unimaginable and unthinkable can happen. It's only my trust and faith that can bring me through this - Lord, you are gonna do it.

So thank you for your prayers and encouragement and please continue to pray that everything will go great, as I am not doubting it will.