The Aftermath Series - part deux

So, been thinking a lot about what content to put out for this part of the series.  I think we have learned some invaluable lessons through this part (well, through all of it really) but in particular I think this one will shape us forever.  It's money.  The green stuff.  Cold hard cash.  Dinero.

Part 2 - The GREAT Depression

You will probably read about this too in your handy depression handout the doctor/counselor gives you, but again, you have no clue the magnitude of what's happening until you are standing waist deep in a pit of debt.  I can recall sitting in the Ronald McDonald House parent room logging onto the computer to pay my bills from the hospital - that was the beginning.  I sat down in the chair and realized I hadn't paid any bills in two weeks because I had been so overwhelmed by what was happening with my son.  There began the late fees of many to come.  Once Marshall came home and subsequently went Home, the medical bills and the like began to roll in.  I once read a statement that my insurance company paid over $150K in hospital bills.  WOW.  To back up some, Phil had began his business about a year prior to Marshall coming into the world - it was going well - and then... We both stayed away from work for about 2 months, and while we had some money trickling in from our jobs, it was really generous donations from loved ones and strangers that kept us afloat.  Once I went back to work, I would sit at my desk and cry silent tears as I gazed out of the window.  No one knew.  I was very inverted.  All the while, my husband was home, trying to run his business, but little did I realize he too was in a great fog.  Add a toxic mix of depression and countless hours alone in a house where you were supposed to be caring for your son, and you get a dangerous mix of apathetic withdrawal.  The business started to tank, bills continued to be paid late, and medical bills were rolling in.  We began living off of a credit card to keep us going.  We traded in my one year old beloved new SUV for a less expensive car, although we had to roll it all over.  It wasn't ever my wish to trade in the car - we had to.  I lost my son in that car - too many bad things happened.  I couldn't drive a 45 minute commute everyday knowing what had happened there and looking in the rear view mirror for a mirage of the non-existent car seat.  So it was gone.

For about a 3 year period after our loss, we busted our tails to make up for the financial mess we had made.  Shocker for me - I did not buy one single new outfit or shoes for 6 months straight!  People - that's revolutionary!  You know what's amazing about being in a storm...eventually the eye of the storm emerges and for a moment you feel the calmness and realize it's temporary.  The eye of our storm came one day when a perfect stranger left an envelope of $800 in cash on our doorstep with a note that said "We are so sorry for your loss, please use this however you like.  And don't even think of paying us back."  It was the exact amount we needed to purchase our son's headstone.  It was a God-send, a miracle.  Thank you God for sending angels dressed as people to help us!!!  By the way, those strangers were revealed to us and are now amazing friends.

I tell you all of this not to get your sympathy or donations (please, don't send me money!) - I tell you this because it's something that was a side effect of our grief that we had no idea about.  It's the truth about what really happens when you are in a whirlwind apathetic downward spiral.  We could not see the forest for the trees, and unfortunately still today clean up the financial baggage we dragged with us through our healing process.  So now we know where every measly cent of our money goes.  It's tracked like an FBI fugitive.  Our communication about money is crystal clear and we have a plan of attack.  We have a budget spreadsheet that even Wall Street would be jealous of.  Is it all gone, no.  Are we perfect financial planners, no.  The difference now is awareness and willingness to make it work.  We work too hard for our money to see it blow away in the wind to another creditor.  God has blessed us immensely with rewards for our discipline, and it's our prayer to pass these lessons to our children so they will not have to have that stress on them....ever. 

The Aftermath Series

Ever since I started blogging I have contemplated how much and how far I should share the gruesome details of my travels with depression in the aftermath of losing my son.  I have come to the conclusion that divulging these things pent up inside are very therapeutic for me.  Still, nearly 4 years later, I have decided to post a candid image of what parts of my journey looked like.  I hope that it will help others, either those traveling through it or helping someone else through it, and I hope that ultimately it glorifies God for the strength He gives me daily.

This series may be hard for me - a lot of backspacing and probably some tears, but ultimately I know that I am strong enough to write it and I know that this type of exertion always helps heal me.  It will be very exposing for me, however, I know there are some key notes that we (me, my husband, and family) missed.  By no means is this a wish-I-couldv'e or finger pointing expose, I truly believe that every circumstance we walk through is planned and purposed.  I am very thankful and blessed for the team of people who love and support me (my husband, family, and true friends).  So, maybe today, it's planned and purposed for you to be reading this - for some reason you were brought here and may you take away only what God has intended for you.

"I can be changed by what happens to me.  But I REFUSE to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Part 1 - Poundage

Why couldn't I have been the other 90% of the depressed population that loses weight when they are depressed?  I would have taken the twiggy shaped frame any day over the almost 30+ pounds I gained over 1 year after my loss.  I was the other 10% that liked to soothe my hurt with yummy gooey over-sized portions of food.  Losing your child 1 month after giving birth doesn't help the situation.  So here I was, already coming into the game with extra "baby" weight, a huge scar from a gnarly c-section, and then wham!  Here comes my back-stabbing best friend D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Hate is a strong word, but truly, I HATE depression.  You don't even realize what is going on.  It's like you are living with a veil on of what your world is, but in reality you can't even see two steps in front of you.  I had no clue that I was gaining so much weight.  I am not a small girl by any means, but I do have a definition of healthy, and it all flew out of the window with two words "he's gone".  I think part of connecting with people and trying to be normal was eating socially with people.  Family and friends would invite us over for dinner to get us out of the house in hopes to make us feel better, and they would all cook wonderful, tasty meals, never realizing that was our drug of choice.  We would go to lavish, expensive (more on this in Part 2), gorging dinners and not think a thing of it.  Then we'd go home, sit on our couch, watch TV and eat some more.  We were both drowning in gluttony masquerading as happiness.  Below is an embarrassing photo of me approximately 1 year after our loss - this is awful.

I guess you and your loved ones will read about this side effect on any depression pamphlet, but no one ever said a word.  Probably their love for us and fear of hurting us kept them tight lipped, and more so, we probably wouldn't have listened. 
I knew that I was starting to heal once I looked in the mirror and saw the poundage for what it really was - medicine for the depressed.  Not long after this photo was taken, I found out I was pregnant, and that made me do a 180.  Not ONE SINGLE donut or caffeine did I intake for 9 months.  I was very strict and very concerned with giving my body only the best for my baby.  After Analie was born, I wanted to be a healthy example for her...not the nasty depressed example in the photo.  I could already see a difference by the time she was about 3 months old. 

The entire time I nursed her, no caffeine, no fried foods, limited sugars, etc.  Luckily, most of these habits have stuck with me and I finally - almost 4 years later - have been able to drop the depression pounds I gained, and extra, and I intend to keep going.  I don't have a goal weight in mind, just a good balanced life.  A healthy Gina = a healthy mom = a healthy wife = a healthy life.