The Aftermath Series

Ever since I started blogging I have contemplated how much and how far I should share the gruesome details of my travels with depression in the aftermath of losing my son.  I have come to the conclusion that divulging these things pent up inside are very therapeutic for me.  Still, nearly 4 years later, I have decided to post a candid image of what parts of my journey looked like.  I hope that it will help others, either those traveling through it or helping someone else through it, and I hope that ultimately it glorifies God for the strength He gives me daily.

This series may be hard for me - a lot of backspacing and probably some tears, but ultimately I know that I am strong enough to write it and I know that this type of exertion always helps heal me.  It will be very exposing for me, however, I know there are some key notes that we (me, my husband, and family) missed.  By no means is this a wish-I-couldv'e or finger pointing expose, I truly believe that every circumstance we walk through is planned and purposed.  I am very thankful and blessed for the team of people who love and support me (my husband, family, and true friends).  So, maybe today, it's planned and purposed for you to be reading this - for some reason you were brought here and may you take away only what God has intended for you.

"I can be changed by what happens to me.  But I REFUSE to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Part 1 - Poundage

Why couldn't I have been the other 90% of the depressed population that loses weight when they are depressed?  I would have taken the twiggy shaped frame any day over the almost 30+ pounds I gained over 1 year after my loss.  I was the other 10% that liked to soothe my hurt with yummy gooey over-sized portions of food.  Losing your child 1 month after giving birth doesn't help the situation.  So here I was, already coming into the game with extra "baby" weight, a huge scar from a gnarly c-section, and then wham!  Here comes my back-stabbing best friend D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Hate is a strong word, but truly, I HATE depression.  You don't even realize what is going on.  It's like you are living with a veil on of what your world is, but in reality you can't even see two steps in front of you.  I had no clue that I was gaining so much weight.  I am not a small girl by any means, but I do have a definition of healthy, and it all flew out of the window with two words "he's gone".  I think part of connecting with people and trying to be normal was eating socially with people.  Family and friends would invite us over for dinner to get us out of the house in hopes to make us feel better, and they would all cook wonderful, tasty meals, never realizing that was our drug of choice.  We would go to lavish, expensive (more on this in Part 2), gorging dinners and not think a thing of it.  Then we'd go home, sit on our couch, watch TV and eat some more.  We were both drowning in gluttony masquerading as happiness.  Below is an embarrassing photo of me approximately 1 year after our loss - this is awful.

I guess you and your loved ones will read about this side effect on any depression pamphlet, but no one ever said a word.  Probably their love for us and fear of hurting us kept them tight lipped, and more so, we probably wouldn't have listened. 
I knew that I was starting to heal once I looked in the mirror and saw the poundage for what it really was - medicine for the depressed.  Not long after this photo was taken, I found out I was pregnant, and that made me do a 180.  Not ONE SINGLE donut or caffeine did I intake for 9 months.  I was very strict and very concerned with giving my body only the best for my baby.  After Analie was born, I wanted to be a healthy example for her...not the nasty depressed example in the photo.  I could already see a difference by the time she was about 3 months old. 

The entire time I nursed her, no caffeine, no fried foods, limited sugars, etc.  Luckily, most of these habits have stuck with me and I finally - almost 4 years later - have been able to drop the depression pounds I gained, and extra, and I intend to keep going.  I don't have a goal weight in mind, just a good balanced life.  A healthy Gina = a healthy mom = a healthy wife = a healthy life.