5 years: acceptance & beyond!

Well you can just call me your dormant blogger :)

I have been overwhelmingly productive (aka BUSY) since my last post announcing the formation of our Foundation.  You can find out more details about that here.  Things are going great!  We are so excited to begin taking The Marshall Brown Foundation to the next level, but, that's not what this post is about today.

As many know, our reason for beginning the Foundation is to honor our son.  Five years ago tomorrow marks the day our world changed forever.  My post last year, My Day That Lives In Infamy, says a lot about "that day."  This year I've reflected a lot on seeing beauty develop from the ashes and it got me to wonderin' about what's beyond?  How will we really live the rest of our lives with this on our hearts?

Anyone whom has ever suffered a loss and seen a professional counselor may be familiar with the Kübler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  I felt like I moved through the first three very quickly, hung out at depression for a while, went back to anger, and then lingered in depression some more.  I don't think I really moved into "acceptance" until a good two years after.  Since I arrived at destination "acceptance" I feel like it even has stages of it's own: a little acceptance, more acceptance, able to do the holidays & his birthday without becoming a blubbering mess acceptance, able to make it through one week, one month, etc. without visiting the cemetary acceptance, and so on. 

I know there's got to be something beyond "acceptance" right?  I mean, it just makes sense.  If all I ever do is "accept" this loss, "accept" this burden, "accept" this story then has true healing occured?  Merriam-Webster defines "accept" as to endure without protest or reaction, what? Wait a minute!  How can one be expected to "endure without reaction"?  I mean, this is a child, this is my child, are the 5 stages implying that I should move on and continue life without reaction, like a tombed mummy shrugging my shoulders at the hardships of life, does that count as acceptance? 

I've always found healing in talking about our son and our pain in losing him.  It's not comfortable, I know it makes people uncomfortable, but so do g-strings and everyone loves them.  Revelation 12:11 speaks of OVERCOMING by the power of Jesus and speaking our stories in truth (that's my paraphrase anyway).  Not to be taken out of context, Revelation is speaking of overcoming satan, but by the proof of my own experiences, I believe this passage applies to overcoming our obstacles as well: trust in Christ and talk about it.  I don't have the perfect story, or even the perfect outcome, but takling, releasing, and sharing helps other people know it's ok to be messed up, and THAT my friends is what keeps you moving forward.

As long as I live I will not stop with "acceptance."  I will press on, even when it hurts, even when I sob through the email of another mother grieving the recent loss of her child, even when it's uncomfortable.  We WILL overcome!

One last thing, I still miss him deeply you know; and love him endlessly.  We never stop thinking about Marshall, and healing and moving forward doesn't mean you forget.  It's ok to move forward and at the same time it's ok to be in the middle of Carter's and have a bawling breakdown over a t-shirt.  My baby would be wearing this t-shirt - his daddy picked it out, and it's cool.