Nine weeks down and twenty nine still to go. I am taking a deep breath (ah exhale) and trying to find some peace in this day. Lately I am consumed by anxiety, even though I am begging God to give me relief, I can't seem to shake the fears that linger over me. Another child coming, I am totally excited - blissful even - but I start to dream and reality sets in. Reality that all of my babies before this one, are in Heaven. Marhsall, dear, I miss you - I love you.

I suspect some of this is hormones, and some of these worries are normal for any mother, but there is a huge piece of me that is still heart broken. Really, in my deepest place, I know everything is going to be glory - revitalization and restoration, but my human broken heart is just that ... broken.

Fear of losing my dreams again to reality - that's what the axiety is all about. I know my God is bigger than this - I know he has given me a perfect gift, a baby. I am so thankful Lord, but be my peace now too.