The Return

I had the weirdest experience yesterday evening - I was at church, had just scurried in after dropping off Ani in the nursery, I was frantically situating myself. In my mind, I was mentally checking off tasks of the day I had accomplished. I was hearing the worship songs, but that was all. I was sort of like a curious kitten....oh sparkly lights there, oooohhh like her shoes, and nice belt too, I wonder how that sheetrock detail returns to the other side, da dee da....

We were starting into the 2nd or 3rd song (see, I was so distracted I don't even know!) and it hit me like a ton a bricks! The opening chords of the guitar struck a chord in me. I was immediately returned to the spot of desolation I had hung around in for so many months after Marshall died. I would waltz through a church service, dangerously angry at God and at the same time, desperately wanting him to fix me. Frankly, I hated what he allowed to happen to me, and honestly, I still do. My voice was paralyzed for months after the trauma. Not only did I not feel like singing any songs, I also physically couldn't. I was very focused on the words, I wanted to mean what I was singing and feel it, I wanted to know it was truth....and at that time in my life, I couldn't do either. Literally the words would just not come out of my mouth - maybe it was physical, or maybe I didn't want them to.

Anyway, to bring it back to yesterday, back in that time in my life, I would hear these songs, concentrate on every word - I knew the songs, just couldn't sing them. There was one in particular that used to get on my nerves, along with "How Great is Our God", it was "The More I Seek You". I couldn't understand how these lyrics were possible, and surely they weren't written by anyone who had suffered like this. Even more, how could these worship leaders stand up there and sing that, did they really feel that way or were they just doing their job? Well, guess what song Ben Donnelly started playing yesterday...."The More I Seek You"! BUT THIS TIME IT WAS DIFFERENT!

I heard the opening chords and I literally felt the weight of 50 elephants rolling off my shoulders. I was actually excited to hear the song, because this time, I wanted to sing. And if you know me well at all, I CANNOT SING! But I belted that song out like I was Christina freaking Auguilera! I know the two women next to me where probably feeling sorry for me, "oh no, that poor girl thinks she sings well" - no, ladies, I know I don't, but I didn't care.

As I am typing this, I think to myself how silly this all sounds. It's just a song, right? Yes, it's a song, but for me it's a symbolism of the recovery and progress we continue to make...daily. My sister asked me a very intriguing question yesterday "do you still hurt for Marshall as bad as you did before?" YES! Most definitely. I always will. I still have those moments, those days, those endless sleepless nights where my mind is consumed by hurt and questions. I think I will have those until the day I die. What could be more of an honor to my son than to continue living, what good would it be if I stopped living, not in a breathing sense, but a functioning sense? Two lives lost is too much.

The song opened a door for me that has long been shut. Just one more step in a lifelong journey of healing.

This is the original version, ours from New Hope will be posted later in the week. Visit http://www.newhopechurch.tv/

Turkey - check, Thanksgiving - needs work

"Show me a negative person, and I'll show you someone who's not thankful" - Scott Neal

I heard these words last Sunday as I crouched in the back room of the church, alone with my little girl feeding her. It's kinda nice sitting in that room alone - you get a totally different perspective of church. No distractions around, no squirmy neighbor, and the speakers are a little more muffled - a much easier sound for my sensitive ears. Anyway...I heard Scott say this, and started dwelling on it. I know I am negative - I don't want to be, because I am so thankful. So then, last week, I started on a mission to count my blessings and truly give thanks - not just telling God, but showing thanks. Everyday I made a conscious effort to thank God for what he has given me - and what he hasn't given me.

First, for my family. From Analie to Mema and everyone in between - I am so thankful. Philip, ahhhh, he melts my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without him. We have been through some hell together, and we still smile, that's a blessing.

Second, for my job. Reference my previous post - as much as I want to be home with my little girl, I am thankful that I work for a company and 2 amazing bosses that are compassionate enough to let me have the most flexible schedule. I need to quit belly-aching and see the glass half full.

Third, for food on my table. There have been times when Phil and I purchase food from gift cards and, whew, that's over. I am so thankful that I know I don't have to worry about where a meal will come from. It saddens my heart to think that there are real people in America who fear going hungry.

Fourth, for my children. Period. I can't say much or my keyboard will be covered in tears of joy...and some of sorrow too.

Fifth, for recovery, for happiness. I couldn't even put into words the depths my heart has been in - but I have experienced revitalization, comfort. I'm thankful for a God who heals - who held me in His arms when I was kicking and screaming. For a God who heard my cries and led me by still waters. For a God that doesn't have to explain because He promises He works all things out for good.

It may be a little early for New Year's resolutions, but I have mine - why wait until January to start? I want to be more positive, and show how thankful I am for what I have - to my family, friends, and mostly to God. This should last for more than Thanksgiving - "we will rejoice and be glad in it."

American Dream - maybe not?

Well if you ever want to hear a mommy cry, just come to my house on the day I started back to work - duhn duhn duhnnnn! I will probably catch some slack for what I am about to write, I can understand now why the roles have been defined for men and women. Don't get me wrong, I am a full believer in women - they need to have their own mind, education, job, career, will - however, there's that moment when you realize your "career" you've been striving so hard for is just merely that - a career. Something we all do to make money and pay bills, but in truly evaluating life, we wouldn't have these "careers" - we'd just love on our kids.

I guess the struggle comes in this - as a mom, you want to be there for everything. First words, first steps, first this and that - but also part of being a mom is supporting your family - for me anyway. So where does one end and the other begin? I mean, when I'm at work selecting antique French bugets (a fancy word for thick tile) for a client's private chapel it's hard to justify that against being at home, nurturing my little girl. Perspective, people, perspective. I don't know - just rambling a lot here.

"How do you do this?", I say. Well, we'll just figure it out! Lotto anyone?

Birthday parties in heaven

I wonder if they have birthday parties in heaven? I'm really not seeking a true theological answer - I'd just like to think they do. Today, Marshall would be celebrating his 2nd birthday. I imagine him at Jesus' side, tossing a ball around and pushing toy cars. I could see him floating with the colorful balloons - laughing, giggling...experiencing the ultimate joy. I like to think he would just dive into a big chocolate birthday cake 5 tiers high and he could devour as much as he liked. He would have the biggest pinata filled with candy that never stopped raining. He spins and smiles and dances with the angels - oh, my precious boy, I know you are happy. I miss you, I love you forever - Happy Birthday Marshall Brown!

Wow, I have missed blogging, but have been spending time relishing in the glorious joy of our precious Analie. It's hard to believe that already one month has flown by - she was one month old on Friday! We've had such a good time, of course, yes, there is the typical newborn stress, and me being the over-anxious anti-chaotic person that I am - I have managed to squeak through the eye of the needle without having a nervous breakdown. LOL In all reality though, I feel so blessed. I feel so "alive" again - it's daunting to realize that I have been in a fog for the last 22 months - I've been veiled. Today I truly grasped what it means to be joyous again. Even though the anticipated 9 months before Analie's arrival were exciting, I still had a depression lingering over me wondering if history would repeat itself - praise God it hasn't. And really, I mean PRAISE GOD for what He has given me - for the ability for me to have joy again - I can exhale. Not that my pain is gone, believe me, it lingers, especially when little miss gives me one of those "Marshall" looks (they look so much alike) - but, it's almost as though....I don't know...I can't describe it....just feels good...great...blissful...I feel like it's okay to be happy again. Sobbing as I say that with mixed tears. How can someone hurt so bad, yet feel so alive and flourish in the richness of joy? One of The Creator's mysteries, I guess. So today I will just soak up this happiness, I will enjoy this gift - not just the gift of Analie and the sanity she has brought us, but the gift that I know there is healing, there is happiness, there is HOPE!

Thankful

As you can well imagine the excitement of Analie arriving in 3 days has really set in. Everywhere we look, Phil and I dream of how life will be with her, and how we have a chance again to see the fruition of our joy made complete in our child. Of course, around this time last week, some anxiety started to set in. Reality of recalling the birth of Marshall - joyous, zealous, exuberant - and then, tragedy... what's to come when you harbor such pain?
Really, throughout the pregnancy in whole, I think I have done pretty dang good holding it together. I mean, I see how someone could really drive themselves crazy worrying about all the things that "could" be. But, you never forget the scar that's on your heart.
Much to my enlightenment I opened a new book I received from my mother-in-law and read the most soul settling passage - I think it was meant for me. I haven't even made it past this page in the book because I keep returning to it - as a reminder and encouragement.
The excerpt from "Hugs for New Moms" by Stephanie Howard reads:

I'll bless you and multiply your family, keeping My covenant of love with you.
Don't let anxiety steal your joy; rather, tell Me about your worries and needs and thank Me in advance.
As you pray, you'll find that My incomparable peace overshadows all of your problems and insecurities.
Always be content with what you have, knowing that I'll never leave you or abandon you.
I'll supply everything you need, according to My endless riches in glory.
Faithfully providing, Your Prince of Peace
Deut 7:12-13; John 16:33; Phil 4:6-7; Hebrews 13:5; Phil 4:19

When I read this, tears of release flooded my face. It was exactly what the Lord needed to tell me. "My incomparable peace" - how true to me this is.

Oh, My God - let me know this joy You promise. Let Your glory be revealed through restoration. And, Lord, let me never cease to praise You for the blessings You will pour out.

I thought she meant "scheduled" delivery?!?

Well - another weekly visit down. Glad to say everything is normal and going well. I started realizing just how close we are to having Analie in our arms today. Next week, the doctor is going to put me on the monitor (you know, the ones they strap on your belly). This is normal procedure - she will be checking the baby's heart rate, fluid level, any contractions, dilation, etc., etc. Based on those readings, she might actually decide to do the C-Section before the 16th! Here, all this time, I've been planning and list-making and juggling a perfectly planned calendar up to September 16th, and now, I am realizing she could come earlier?! I guess in my mind I was just thinking she would pop out like a perfectly roasted turkey on September 16th - and she still may - but there is the ever lingering possibility I will meet my angel next week! I am laughing at myself thinking of how crazy it must sound to create a "countdown" schedule of things to do before Analie is born. I need structure people - lol - lists make the world go round! I am so very excited - yet, reserved with anticipation.

Can I just brag for a moment - bear with me - Phil is amazing! He has gone into "daddy" mode the past few weeks. Every night he is doing something productive - mowing the grass, washing the dishes, folding the clothes, running my bath, picking out a perfectly matched outfit to sport on the town (ok, that was a little exaggeration! - lol). Phil has even resorted to sleeping on an air mattress on the floor in our room - he didn't want to sleep in the guest bed in case I needed him (aww). But really, I am truly so thankful to share my life with him. He is the love of my life - I don't know where I would be without him, without his support, and without his love. Philip Brown - thank God for who he has made you to be. I love you so much. Plus, you make pretty kids!