Turkey - check, Thanksgiving - needs work

"Show me a negative person, and I'll show you someone who's not thankful" - Scott Neal

I heard these words last Sunday as I crouched in the back room of the church, alone with my little girl feeding her. It's kinda nice sitting in that room alone - you get a totally different perspective of church. No distractions around, no squirmy neighbor, and the speakers are a little more muffled - a much easier sound for my sensitive ears. Anyway...I heard Scott say this, and started dwelling on it. I know I am negative - I don't want to be, because I am so thankful. So then, last week, I started on a mission to count my blessings and truly give thanks - not just telling God, but showing thanks. Everyday I made a conscious effort to thank God for what he has given me - and what he hasn't given me.

First, for my family. From Analie to Mema and everyone in between - I am so thankful. Philip, ahhhh, he melts my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without him. We have been through some hell together, and we still smile, that's a blessing.

Second, for my job. Reference my previous post - as much as I want to be home with my little girl, I am thankful that I work for a company and 2 amazing bosses that are compassionate enough to let me have the most flexible schedule. I need to quit belly-aching and see the glass half full.

Third, for food on my table. There have been times when Phil and I purchase food from gift cards and, whew, that's over. I am so thankful that I know I don't have to worry about where a meal will come from. It saddens my heart to think that there are real people in America who fear going hungry.

Fourth, for my children. Period. I can't say much or my keyboard will be covered in tears of joy...and some of sorrow too.

Fifth, for recovery, for happiness. I couldn't even put into words the depths my heart has been in - but I have experienced revitalization, comfort. I'm thankful for a God who heals - who held me in His arms when I was kicking and screaming. For a God who heard my cries and led me by still waters. For a God that doesn't have to explain because He promises He works all things out for good.

It may be a little early for New Year's resolutions, but I have mine - why wait until January to start? I want to be more positive, and show how thankful I am for what I have - to my family, friends, and mostly to God. This should last for more than Thanksgiving - "we will rejoice and be glad in it."

American Dream - maybe not?

Well if you ever want to hear a mommy cry, just come to my house on the day I started back to work - duhn duhn duhnnnn! I will probably catch some slack for what I am about to write, I can understand now why the roles have been defined for men and women. Don't get me wrong, I am a full believer in women - they need to have their own mind, education, job, career, will - however, there's that moment when you realize your "career" you've been striving so hard for is just merely that - a career. Something we all do to make money and pay bills, but in truly evaluating life, we wouldn't have these "careers" - we'd just love on our kids.

I guess the struggle comes in this - as a mom, you want to be there for everything. First words, first steps, first this and that - but also part of being a mom is supporting your family - for me anyway. So where does one end and the other begin? I mean, when I'm at work selecting antique French bugets (a fancy word for thick tile) for a client's private chapel it's hard to justify that against being at home, nurturing my little girl. Perspective, people, perspective. I don't know - just rambling a lot here.

"How do you do this?", I say. Well, we'll just figure it out! Lotto anyone?

Birthday parties in heaven

I wonder if they have birthday parties in heaven? I'm really not seeking a true theological answer - I'd just like to think they do. Today, Marshall would be celebrating his 2nd birthday. I imagine him at Jesus' side, tossing a ball around and pushing toy cars. I could see him floating with the colorful balloons - laughing, giggling...experiencing the ultimate joy. I like to think he would just dive into a big chocolate birthday cake 5 tiers high and he could devour as much as he liked. He would have the biggest pinata filled with candy that never stopped raining. He spins and smiles and dances with the angels - oh, my precious boy, I know you are happy. I miss you, I love you forever - Happy Birthday Marshall Brown!

Wow, I have missed blogging, but have been spending time relishing in the glorious joy of our precious Analie. It's hard to believe that already one month has flown by - she was one month old on Friday! We've had such a good time, of course, yes, there is the typical newborn stress, and me being the over-anxious anti-chaotic person that I am - I have managed to squeak through the eye of the needle without having a nervous breakdown. LOL In all reality though, I feel so blessed. I feel so "alive" again - it's daunting to realize that I have been in a fog for the last 22 months - I've been veiled. Today I truly grasped what it means to be joyous again. Even though the anticipated 9 months before Analie's arrival were exciting, I still had a depression lingering over me wondering if history would repeat itself - praise God it hasn't. And really, I mean PRAISE GOD for what He has given me - for the ability for me to have joy again - I can exhale. Not that my pain is gone, believe me, it lingers, especially when little miss gives me one of those "Marshall" looks (they look so much alike) - but, it's almost as though....I don't know...I can't describe it....just feels good...great...blissful...I feel like it's okay to be happy again. Sobbing as I say that with mixed tears. How can someone hurt so bad, yet feel so alive and flourish in the richness of joy? One of The Creator's mysteries, I guess. So today I will just soak up this happiness, I will enjoy this gift - not just the gift of Analie and the sanity she has brought us, but the gift that I know there is healing, there is happiness, there is HOPE!

Thankful

As you can well imagine the excitement of Analie arriving in 3 days has really set in. Everywhere we look, Phil and I dream of how life will be with her, and how we have a chance again to see the fruition of our joy made complete in our child. Of course, around this time last week, some anxiety started to set in. Reality of recalling the birth of Marshall - joyous, zealous, exuberant - and then, tragedy... what's to come when you harbor such pain?
Really, throughout the pregnancy in whole, I think I have done pretty dang good holding it together. I mean, I see how someone could really drive themselves crazy worrying about all the things that "could" be. But, you never forget the scar that's on your heart.
Much to my enlightenment I opened a new book I received from my mother-in-law and read the most soul settling passage - I think it was meant for me. I haven't even made it past this page in the book because I keep returning to it - as a reminder and encouragement.
The excerpt from "Hugs for New Moms" by Stephanie Howard reads:

I'll bless you and multiply your family, keeping My covenant of love with you.
Don't let anxiety steal your joy; rather, tell Me about your worries and needs and thank Me in advance.
As you pray, you'll find that My incomparable peace overshadows all of your problems and insecurities.
Always be content with what you have, knowing that I'll never leave you or abandon you.
I'll supply everything you need, according to My endless riches in glory.
Faithfully providing, Your Prince of Peace
Deut 7:12-13; John 16:33; Phil 4:6-7; Hebrews 13:5; Phil 4:19

When I read this, tears of release flooded my face. It was exactly what the Lord needed to tell me. "My incomparable peace" - how true to me this is.

Oh, My God - let me know this joy You promise. Let Your glory be revealed through restoration. And, Lord, let me never cease to praise You for the blessings You will pour out.

I thought she meant "scheduled" delivery?!?

Well - another weekly visit down. Glad to say everything is normal and going well. I started realizing just how close we are to having Analie in our arms today. Next week, the doctor is going to put me on the monitor (you know, the ones they strap on your belly). This is normal procedure - she will be checking the baby's heart rate, fluid level, any contractions, dilation, etc., etc. Based on those readings, she might actually decide to do the C-Section before the 16th! Here, all this time, I've been planning and list-making and juggling a perfectly planned calendar up to September 16th, and now, I am realizing she could come earlier?! I guess in my mind I was just thinking she would pop out like a perfectly roasted turkey on September 16th - and she still may - but there is the ever lingering possibility I will meet my angel next week! I am laughing at myself thinking of how crazy it must sound to create a "countdown" schedule of things to do before Analie is born. I need structure people - lol - lists make the world go round! I am so very excited - yet, reserved with anticipation.

Can I just brag for a moment - bear with me - Phil is amazing! He has gone into "daddy" mode the past few weeks. Every night he is doing something productive - mowing the grass, washing the dishes, folding the clothes, running my bath, picking out a perfectly matched outfit to sport on the town (ok, that was a little exaggeration! - lol). Phil has even resorted to sleeping on an air mattress on the floor in our room - he didn't want to sleep in the guest bed in case I needed him (aww). But really, I am truly so thankful to share my life with him. He is the love of my life - I don't know where I would be without him, without his support, and without his love. Philip Brown - thank God for who he has made you to be. I love you so much. Plus, you make pretty kids!

Healthy whopper girl

Well today was a check-up I have been looking forward to. We were able to have our last ultrasound and this girl is growing and doing well.
Ok, brack yourself....she's her daddy's child.....(drum roll please) Analie already weighs 7 lbs 6 oz! With 3 weeks still to go, she will make her debut into the world at approximately 8 lbs 14 oz!
I was so satisfied to find out that she's exactly in the position I thought - body on the right and legs and arms extending to my left side. She is still really far down (they've been saying this since the beginning, probably the source of my back pain) and has chubby cheeks. We see some resemblence to Marshall, but we'll just wait until she comes out to know for sure.
I would post the ultrasound pics, but the ones we received today aren't that great. I could barely make them out and I'm the mother for cryin' out loud - so, I doubt anyone else will know what they are looking at.

T minus 4 weeks!

Squirmy worm in my belly - she's getting big! It cracks me up every time I arise from my desk chair; that for a moment or two I am caught off guard by the extra baggage I am carrying. I steady myself for a second, look around to see if anyone is watching, then "gracefully" start to take my wobbly steps. Swaying back and forth like the friggin' titanic, I reach my destination, then "ahh" some relief to sit again! The hallway at my office has never seemed so daunting, and I am sure everyone of my co-workers is getting annoyed by the sliding gritty sound of my shoes waltzing through the office. But this is great!
I think I am going to stop reading all of the articles in the baby magazines. Considering my heightened level of paranoia, I don't think it's wise for me to be diving into articles that are meant to educate but leave a sense of fear in you. From diapering to vaccinations, every article has posted the "highly unlikely, but possible" scenarios leaving me gripping my seat at the turn of every page. What if I don't do the umbilical cord right (never had to with Marshall, the hospital took care of it), what if I don't attach the car seat correctly with the LATCH system, and then there's the "encouraging" articles about breastfeeding and every experts opinion about what's best for MY child.....ugh, I am gonna do just fine. Sometimes I even wonder if these "experts" even have children of their own. Once I received a book from a friend dealing with grief and the loss of a child, only come to find out the author had NEVER experienced it, and didn't even have children - I didn't read the book. No thanks, I don't need any unsolicited advice from these so-called "experts".
In the mean time, I will commit to finishing "projects" around the house before this little princess arrives. Painting the front door (Phil), installing the peep hole (Phil), cleaning the baseboards (umm...Phil?) lol

feeling the heat.

well maybe it's the heat and maybe it's just this time in the pregnancy, but i have been so exhausted lately. last week, i guess i did too much. i was down with allergies/cold and my body just hurt everywhere. after arriving at work on Friday - i made the decision that i just really needed to go home and rest. It killed me to do that - not only am I trying to save my personal days for my maternity leave, but also, I had already driven the 35 minutes to Houston. Popping claritin didn't seem to give much relief, so all day Friday i rested and did not move off the couch - it was what i needed. my back didn't hurt, no round ligament pain, and my nose seemed to dry up by Saturday morning. i have a really hard time sitting still - so after feeling like i wasted the day away on Friday, i thought to myself on Saturday "hmm, i think i am ready to do more today!". Wrong answer - after the day of going to do a DNow in Magnolia in the morning (I had previously committed to the whole weekend, but crashed and burned on Friday), then driving back to Crosby, then sorting through the plethora of gifts for Analie - I was exhausted and the back pain returned. Not to mention - I was lonely - I missed Phil. So Winnie and I retired to the couch again late Saturday evening and ALL day long on Sunday. When Phil got home, he joined us - guess everybody deserves a lazy weekend sometimes!

It's raining, it's pouring

This past weekend our friends and family held a baby shower for analie. it was so special - you can not even begin to imagine the sea of clothing this girl received. i left the shower that day feeling so overwhelmed with thanksgiving for the people who make us feel special. not just for brining gifts, but for showing up, for giving us a smile, a hug, and showing us they love us. truely, truely, we are blessed to have such wonderful friends and family! i sound like a sappy pregnant lady, but really, my heart melts when i think about the graditute i have for all of these special people in our lives - i hope you all know who you are. enjoy the photos!

I could eat a horse!

Well another doctor visit yesterday - all is well. Her heartbeat is usually at 144-142 so this is good news. Also, her measurements checked out, she is growing and so am I! I gained another 2 pounds - usually this would be devastating, but I needed to. I have only gained 11 pounds for the entire pregnancy - granted I still have 6 weeks to go. So I will have two more 2 week appointments and on August 27th we will have our last ultrasound. They will be able to tell how big she is (she's Philip's kid okay - she's gonna be big! - praise God for C-sections!).
In other news - I am starving all of the time! I wake up hungry in the middle of the night, usually around 3pm. After I debate taking the trek downstairs to make some cereal or a sandwich I am usually back to sleep. But - last night, my hunger was so intense it kept me awake for 45 minutes. I tromped down the stairs on wobbly legs, sore from the round ligament disorder (don't ask!), and made myself a bowl of applesauce and a glass of water. What should one eat in the middle of the night? I am always contemplating the heartburn issue, so I had to choose something tummy friendly. Needless to say, after woofing down the applesauce, Winnie and I tucked ourselves back into bed (poor Phil was clueless to the whole event) and eventually fell back asleep after reading an article in Parents magazine. I remember this phase when I was pregnant with Marshall - towards the end, I have many sleep-interrupted nights - guess it's just God's way of preparing me for the months to come. However, I hope in those months, Phil is not oblivious! P.S. - He is a really good dad, he does get up in the middle of the night!

Girly things

I just had to post these because i am so proud of them. the burp cloths were plain left overs from marshall and the diaper bag was also marshall's. i didn't want to get rid of them, so we glamorized them and made them something for analie. i just love how it all turned out - my vision, meme's sewing! she's awesome.

Lookie, lookie

So, as promised, here are some photos for your viewing pleasure. We've used the same room decorations that Marshall had, but we've added some pink touches and a chandelier to girl it up. This precious one isn't even here yet and already has a closet full of clothes and shoes. We are so very blessed to have friends and family that just keep showering us with things.

Photos coming soon!

Ok - tonight I will photograph some special things to show you for Analie. I haven't been very faithful in posting photos, but I will work on it!

Moving on up....2 months left

Still visiting the good 'ole doc every two weeks - she said things are going great. She set in stone the delivery date - September 16, 2009 at 9am. I will have to arrive at the hospital at 7am, but hopefully my patience will be in tact?! I am feeling pretty good. This heat is unbearable, so I feel like a freakin' bear hibernating in the cold a/c all of the time. I hope my neighbors understand and don't think I am a hobbit? My appetite has changed AGAIN - lately I am just having a protien shake for breakfast, a banana at 10am and then I starve the rest of the day. Last night I ate 4 eggo waffles, then an hour and a half later, cooked scrambled eggs, and finished it all off with strawberry kiwi jello cup and a glass of milk. Wierd - I know, but it's what I wanted. I think the waffles had something to do with a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune - the answer was "Blueberry Pancakes with Maple Syrup".

I am planning on posting pics of her room and other things really soon - stay tuned!

Shine on

So ten more weeks until my precious beauty arrives. I can hardly stand it, but with much anticipation comes much anxiety. I am trying so hard to fight it – I don’t want to be controlled by a broken heart. I don’t want my joy for Analie to be blustered by the sores of losing Marshall. I started thinking yesterday in church (while I was supposed to be singing – ha) that it has been one year since I declared independence from depression. It may still seem sometimes like I am going through it, but one year ago on July 4, 2008 I woke up and decided I needed to take a step. That even if I only took one step a week, it was still making progress. I decided that I didn’t want to let satan slip into the crack in my broken heart and ruin what God has made me to be. Sure, it would be very easy to lay in bed all day, in the dark, dwelling on what has been ripped away from me, but the reality is what’s done is done. For one year, I have not been on antidepressant medication, nor sleeping pills. For one year I have been healing. Is this process over, for sure not! But it’s a process I will have to walk through my entire life – and despite the cards that have been dealt to me, it’s my choice how to handle this process. I could be ruined or I could shine – I choose to shine. My Marshall would want me to shine, and my Jesus has made me to shine. Like diamonds are formed, I, too, have been under the pressure of the earth, turning from coal and transforming into a bright and brilliant valuable trinket. Oh Lord, let me sparkle this day! Can I be a cushion cut please?

Am I sounding crazy?

Sometimes I wonder what you all must think of my posts. Is it seen really in the way I mean it to read? I wonder what people think when they ask me questions like, "is this your first pregnancy?" or "how old is your son" and I have to answer with a soft but realistic response. I don't know how it feels to be on the other side. I really don't mind when I get to talk about Marshall - I love it actually. I think sometimes people just avoid even mentioning his name, scared that it will send me into a wailing fit of rage, but that is so far from how I preceive it. When I get to talk about my little boy, I light up inside. So many people never got to meet him, and I love sharing about the joy he brought and still brings me. Marshall - I love you precious.

It's so not right...

We had a great check-up last Thursday. I talked in detail with my doctor about how Analie will be cared for when she's in the nursery. Things will be good - my doctor is looking out for us. Analie will basically have the NICU staff watching over her, but she will be in the regular nursery. Good news for a mom who never wants to see a NICU again!

My doc also set the date - our princess is scheduled to arrive on September 16, 2009 at 9am. I can hardly bear the anticipation.

People - I'm struggling lately. Some kind of mix between pregnancy hormones, sorrow and joy, past and future, and all that's in between. I feel like my mind is churning constantly - I lose it sometimes and just have to break down. I'm not going crazy again, nor depression, I just feel...what's the word...exhausted. Physically, um, somewhat, but more than that, my mind is tired, my heart is heavy, my eyes are sore from fighting tears and my emotions weary from quenching fears. What is this season? I don't feel like me.

A stroke of paranoia has invaded my excitement. I guess the anticipation of Analie coming, also means dealing with so much that has settled. Dust is being kicked up from the low low places - places that you don't want to go. Who would think that choosing a new pediatrician would be a chance to conquer? Most people just get to pick and it's done. Who in the world even thinks about getting life insurance for your infant child because you fear what could be? No one does that.

It's not right - this is so not right.

Done - before things come out that I would regret writing.

Exhale and breathe

Well today is a great day - we had a fetal eco today for Analie and everything checked out. The nurse kept saying "beautiful, beautiful" as she probed each centimeter of Analie's heart. I did ask why we didn't see Marshall's heart defect (aka Double Outlet Left Ventricle). The nurse was great - she went back to Marshall's file and pulled his heart scan to compare with Analie's. The test for Marshall was performed at 15 weeks, which is normal, and since his heart was so small at that time, nothing showed up as abnormal, therefore, there was no need to do more testing. For Analie, we had the test at 18 weeks and again today, at 24 weeks with just the heart scan. Our nurse also searched for abnormalities she would see if there was a double outlet, and all of these came back normal. Thank you for Lord for these gifted nurses and doctors who have been helping us - bless them please!

So...I can breathe a little easier now. Surely, as a mother, I will worry about her always. But this anxiety is not some kind of "normal" worry, like she'll fall down or bust her teeth out. No, this concern comes from a place of instability and true reality of knowing we are not untouchable. That the unimaginable and unthinkable can happen. It's only my trust and faith that can bring me through this - Lord, you are gonna do it.

So thank you for your prayers and encouragement and please continue to pray that everything will go great, as I am not doubting it will.

Thankful

So, Praise God! Yesterday I had a regular check-up with the doctor and things are going well. Usually a mom would just be content with this news, but for me, I crave hearing her heartbeat on the monitor. I hang on every word the doctor says, just to make sure I don't miss anything. When Analie moves and kicks me in the middle of the night, I don't wake up frustrated that I can't sleep, but rather I relish in the moment that God has given me a life inside me - a precious priceless gift. Oh - my Lord, I will never be able to express my thanks to you for Analie. Father God, when I have cursed you for my pain, you have still reigned and you always will - Lord, you know I still hurt, but praise you - thank you - for a bit of restoration.

The beginning of the PINK!

I have a wonderful friend who loaded me down Friday night with tons of clothes (really cute ones!) and shoes for Analie. What a blessing! I don't think we will have to buy any 0-3 month clothing for this girl. Thank you Brandi!


The swarm of pink clothing has taken over her closet, but this also meant packing up Marshall's things either for donation or keepsake. Without much detail - this was so hard. Almost a taste of living through hell again. What are you supposed to do with these things? How do you know if you'll ever want to look at them again? How is a funeral book going to help me??? Hard questions - so for the time being, it's all in storage.

Mother's Day was beautiful and bittersweet. Of course, I wanted it to be a day to celebrate my mother, step-mother, mother-in-law and grandmother - and tried to keep my focus on that - rather than another Mother's Day without Marshall.

This weekend was good, but tough. I hope these kinds of days are few and far between, but you never know when reality is going to creep up on you. You never know when this pain will rear it's ugly head...and you either choose to lock it away and temporarily put off the inevitable - or you stare it right in the face, have a broken heart, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself up and go forward.

Going forward is good. Try not to stall or regress - you're still moving even if it's only one step at a time...

To my darlings

I dream of you, precious, and the lifetime we'll share. How I'll bring you home wrapped up, with such gentle care. How I'll wash your tiny hands, and clean your tiny nose, and kiss you and love you from your head to your toes. I dream of the memories that we'll get to make, taking you to the park and to the zoo to see the snakes. I dream of the moments you'll look at me with love, with innocence in your eyes, and wrap me in your hugs. How I'll hold you so tight, and never let go, how I'll whisper into your ear the things you need to know. Like I love you, I love you, my sweet darling babe, I'll always be here, no need to be afraid. When you have nightmares or fall on your knee, I imagine the kind of mommy I hope I will be. To cuddle and comfort, to tell you it's okay, then to look back together and laugh the rest of the day. I think of the moments you'll snuggle daddy and me, when you'll hold both our hands and go skipping with glee. When I think of you precious, I thank God for love, for grace, and forgiveness, and blessings from above.

IT'S A GIRL!

Yesterday we found out we will be welcoming a precious baby girl, Analie Marie Brown. Analie, pronouced (Ahh - na - lee) means "the Lord has favored me." We are both really in love with her already and my mind has been daydreaming for at least 24 hours now. I couldn't even sleep last night - I was anticipating all of the things I've have been dreaming about. I hope this subsides some, Lord knows I need some rest. Meanwhile, the initial heart ultrasounds at this point have been good. Our ultrasound lady (sorry, don't know the proper term) was so helpful, and she was certified in baby heart ultrasound - so it was perfect. A doing of God I am sure! Reyna was her name, and once she found out about Marshall, she really tried to look for everything to give us some peace of mind. It helped. We will still have the fetal eco on June 4th - Analie's heart will be larger then, and it will be much easier to see everything. Please continue to pray that she is healthy and whole.

oh yeah PICS COMING SOON!

breaking my heart

Did you know?
• 49,551,703—Total abortions since 1973
• 1.37 Million—Abortions per Year in the U.S.
• 56% - Women having abortions in their 20’s
• 52% - Abortions before the 9th wk of pregnancy
• 43% - Estimated # of women will have had an
abortion by the time they’re 45 yrs old
• 750,000—Yearly average of teens (ages 15-19)
becoming pregnant
Statistics taken from Guttmacher Institute

So I received a newsletter yesterday from the pregnancy center with this information - I am so burdened by this - for years I have been, but even more now that I know the hurt of losing a child (even if unwillingly). Not that I want to go out and start picketing or burning clinics, but I feel I need to do something about the apathy our country has become accustom to regarding abortion. Just last week I had a conversation with a coworker who flat out told me "I am all for abortion because what if it doesn't work out between the two people" I was trying to be humble and compassionate in my response (not knowing this person's past) when I responded, "yes, but the choice was to made to have sex, and like anything, there are risks associated with it. there are so many people who want a child to love, who want to have a baby, but can't - what if every abortion turned into an adoption?"

how much happier would society be if we could save the mother's emotional health, mental health, and give the baby a loving, nurturing home? what about the fathers who wanted to keep the babies who now have to shoulder the guilt and pain of a mother's choice? what about the child with a beating heart that never got a chance? i've seen beating hearts at 5 weeks, 6 weeks, tell me that doesn't count for a life?

how great would it be to not have to wait for a year or more to adopt a baby, to not have to spend $20K plus to adopt a child (an abortion costs about $500)? and what if the doctors are wrong in their prediction that the baby will come out unhealthy or challenged? what if science can't always predict what will happen - believe me, I know that's true. doctors told me everything was great pre-birth of Marshall, and only later to find out they weren't okay. The doctors did great work, not to discredit that, BUT they are still human - not all knowing, not the ultimate healer - if so then what happened to my boy?

what if the choice was life?

do i think i will ever live to see abortion outlawed or regulated in this country - sadly, no. But I will not be silent about the love of a child, about the choice to choose life

off my soapbox now...

Anticipation..anticipaaatiooon (sing it)

So, here it is, Monday - just another manic Monday. We had a good weekend - even with all of the rain, it was pretty relaxing and calm. Sunday was gorgeous and we gotd to be outside, so I was happy. Ok - I am so anxious about Thursday! Not in a bad way, just really ready to know if I can purchase that cute little dress I've had my eye on for months, or if we will be buying a tiny cowboy belt with the name stamped on the back.

houston...we have a problem

So, even as convincing as I usually am, I wasn't able to persuade the doctor to take an ultrasound to find out what we are having. The ultrasound at this point in the pregnancy is not covered by insurance, and I couldn't justify paying money when I can find out for free next week. So, I guess I can wait one more week, but it seems like FOR EV ER (ha - reference "The Sandlot") FOR EV ER!

I had a good encouraging talk last night with a friend. Of course, there is apprehension about having a little boy, but my heart is open to whoever and whatever God blesses us with.

BTW - Before this incriminating information leaks onto TMZ or something, I skipped brushing my teeth this morning to avoid seeing any more of my insides come out. Gross - yes, but really I would have had bad breath either way! When life gives you lemons....LOL

heavy heart

This week has been really challenging for me. I battle letting pregnancy emotions get in the way of rational thinking and no one (especially men) seems to understand how difficult that is. Really, in all honesty, it is such a challenge, a virtual struggle between testosterone and estrogen. I don't recall being this emotionally swayed when I was pregnant with Marshall. Add to all of that dealing with difficult people at work (very difficult people!), taxes due, a hefty monthly payment to the doctor, a sweet dog who chews everything, and having to decide what to make for dinner - ugh - I am a stress magnet. Yes, I know, in hindsight all of these things will be but a speck of dirt, not even worth worrying about right now, but at the moment I just want to sit on my couch, read some books, have someone clean my house spotless, receive a check from Ed McMahon, then go get my nails done - and maybe a haircut too?

23 more to go...

15 weeks down. I signed up for Infant & Child CPR class yesterday. It's going to be challenging. I have until June to sike myself up, but in the mean time say a prayer for us. We were schooled in infant CPR before by the 911 operator - not an experience you want to relive. I am very glad we are taking this class though (and I've enlisted my "team" too) because I know first hand how important it is. I hope that other parents in the class don't think I'm a freak if I cry, and explaining the situation would be inappropriate in a room full of pregnant mothers.

On the brighter side, I am feeling pretty good. I had my second upchuck session on Sunday morning in the shower, but made a quick recovery. At least it was a convenient place - really it just washed down the drain. I know, TMI, but hey, you decided to read this! LOL!

Just a little longer until we find out if we are having a boy or a girl. April 23rd is the official date, but when I see the OB on April 16th, I am going to ask her to take a peek on the ultra sound to see if she can tell. We will reveal the name of the baby once we find out what we're having. You can send your wagers to Baby Brown #2 College Fund c/o Gina Brown - haha - just kidding.

xoxo Gina

An Apple a Day....

We had our first appointment Monday with the specialist - everything went well! They can measure neucal translucency for Down's Syndrome and some heart defects - we did this ultrasound test. The want the thickness to be under 2 mm and we were at 1.2mm - praise God! They also took some blood (got me on the first stick!) and we'll have those results which are more conclusive, the next time we visit the specialist. We go to our regular OB this Tuesday and visit the specialist again in six weeks. At that time, we'll be able to find out if we are having a baby boy or baby girl - we are excited! xoxo

Thankful

I am feeling so thankful today - for my baby, for my husband, family, and my job. I talked with my bosses yesterday preliminarily about plans for when the baby arrives and everything went well. They are truely good people to work for. We are going for our first round of specialty testing next Monday - please be praying about this. I am not sure, but we may even get to find out if we're having a boy or girl??? Yeah, I am excited! xoxo

Introducing !!! (say it in a circus man voice)

The baby and I met President George H. and Mrs. Bush last night! It sounds like a fish story, but it's true, I have witnesses. I was asked to attend the Barbara Bush Literacy Foundation party by a client of mine. I was definately out of my element, but what an experience.

Babies R Us = Psych Ward

I had a great weekend, but some challenging things came also. Phil and I led a DNOW at Sterling Wood Church - it was awesome. Those kids were a blessing to us. In the midst of all the teenage chaos, I had to break away to attend a close friend's baby shower for precious new baby AJ. He is so sweet and we get to see him often (he only lives around the corner). So, I went to Babies R Us (that place is a madhouse!) to get a gift for my friend. I didn't think much of it, but after entering the powder pink and baby blue filled mega store, it suddenly hit me that this was the first time I had gone into the store since we lost Marshall. I was okay with that, until I saw an outfit he had - I was weeping uncontrollably in the middle of the store! I missed seeing him, hearing him, and not to mention there was a lady beside me who called her kid "stupid". People probably thought I was some kind of crazy person (although everyone in that store was crazy). So, I dried my eyes and then smiled, thinking back to all of the joy my precious boy brings me and remembered I have that same joy inside me again. I am so thankful God - I never will call my child, the one you've created, stupid. Thank you for this blessing, keep us healthy.

A sigh of relief

Just finished my lunch of a strawberry banana smoothie – it’s about the only thing that wouldn’t make me puke. Went to the doctor today and everything is going well. We saw a precious little heartbeat again – a strong one at 175 bpm! That’s a relief to me. All of the nurses are so concerned about us – they have all told me how they think about us all of the time, and everyone in their office is praying for us. The main nurse told me not to worry, because they would shoulder the worry for me. I am feeling more relived today than earlier in the week. I just need a break; I am tired of working so much. I am really looking forward to the weekend and this nice weather holding out. I am so thankful for the gift we have.

I will try to post some of the ultrasound pics this weekend!

xoxo Gina

Nine weeks down and twenty nine still to go. I am taking a deep breath (ah exhale) and trying to find some peace in this day. Lately I am consumed by anxiety, even though I am begging God to give me relief, I can't seem to shake the fears that linger over me. Another child coming, I am totally excited - blissful even - but I start to dream and reality sets in. Reality that all of my babies before this one, are in Heaven. Marhsall, dear, I miss you - I love you.

I suspect some of this is hormones, and some of these worries are normal for any mother, but there is a huge piece of me that is still heart broken. Really, in my deepest place, I know everything is going to be glory - revitalization and restoration, but my human broken heart is just that ... broken.

Fear of losing my dreams again to reality - that's what the axiety is all about. I know my God is bigger than this - I know he has given me a perfect gift, a baby. I am so thankful Lord, but be my peace now too.